Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Lost Continent

     Rocks, rocks, rocks, everywhere! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make-Oh hello. Sorry I’m just relieving the horrors of the movie I saw. As you can probably tell already it didn’t leave a very positive impact on me but if you had saw this film for yourself you wouldn’t be surprised at all. Ok as you should already know the movie is called “The Lost Continent” I mean it’s the bloody title of this review!
Yes in the 1950’s some wise guy put together this little “treasure” in a mere 11 days showing how a little effort can create such a huge mess. Its boring, its stupid, and padded more than a thousand stunt doubles so sit back and get ready as we take a look at “The Lost Continent”.

     So the film starts off in a military base as scientists and government officials prepare to test out some new experimental rocket(AKA the plot device). So they quickly upload the stock-footage and launched the rocket through the air(which looks pretty silly BTW). But of course something goes wrong and the military lose the rocket which crashes somewhere in the South Pacific.

     We then cut to the next scene where we meet our main character Major Joel Nolan played by Cesar Romero who is chatting a lady friend and...oh why the hell am I bothering with this scene it has importance to the plot what so ever! The entire scene is just filler plain and simple. We never see this woman again nor is she ever mentioned again throughout the entirety of this nightmare! So lets just move along shall we?
So Joel…Wait a minute I just realized something! it’s a bit of irony actually, the first name of the main character is Joel that’s the same first name of the first host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 the same guy who would make fun of this very movie in the future!
*Clears throat* Anyways Joel is enlisted to search for the rocket and gets his chosen team ready for their mission. I shouldn’t really bother addressing them by name considering they’re about as interesting as pile of cat puke. Instead I’ll address by their cliche archetypes. We have “Right hand dude”, “German guy”, “Annoying comic relief”, “Greedy scientist”, and “Dead meat nerd”.

So our team of “heroes” head out in their plane to search for the rocket. After some pointless bantering something goes screwy with plain because of magnetic field bull crap(I don’t know just roll with it) and they crash into a jungle on some island. There they are attacked by a polar bear and a smoke monster! Ok those things didn’t happen but you’re going to wish they did!

So after leaving the wreckage of their fallen aircraft the team come across a village which is all but empty save for two inhabitants, a young woman and a child. Why is the village practically empty you may ask? Because that’s all the extras they could afford I mean they shot this thing in 11 days remember so should you be surprised? So the Native woman babbles on that the huge mountain that overlooks the island is cursed and all that jazz. The team is certain that the rocket is up there.

     This my audience is where the real ugliness of this movie reveals itself as the adventurers begin there long climb up the mountain. At first it doesn’t seem so bad you think to yourself but that’s how seems at first for everyone who has watched this movie. In the next scene we see our heroes climbing up the rocks and in the next scene they are still climbing…ok. That’s not a problem because in the next scene they are…still fricken climbing what the hell?!? And in the next scene they keep climbing and the next scene and the next after that and the scene after that one too. What’s going on here?!?!? It just keeps going and going and going as if they going in a damn circle!

     Ok finally we have something different! Our characters have a little sit down for the night where “German guy” sees a super imposed lizard(terrifying…) on the cliffs and really that’s it. So after that its…more GOD DAMN CLIMBING!!! What is this honestly? About a third of this movie has been rock climbing. But at last something slightly interesting happens as “Dead meat nerd” loses his balance and is dangling of the cliff with “German guy” holding on too him for dear life but he loses his grip and the poor bespectacled sap falls to his death(why do you think I gave him that name?).

     After that little tragedy we-*screams* No more, no more please! Oh great cosmos why?! What have I done to anger thee?! Have mercy! I have seen some insane cases of padding before but this is a grade A case. This entire rock climbing sequence(and I really wished I was joking here) goes on for a full brutal 20 minutes! 20 minutes! Really this is most of the movie a whole bunch of climbing up rocks in a never ending cycle of torture!

     But at last thankfully our heroes reach the top and discover something they didn’t anticipate. The mountains peak is actually an ancient lost world filled with prehistoric creatures long thought to be dead. So is movie actually going o be exciting now? Will we finally get a thrilling adventure full of suspense and danger? Well the spoiler is…no. The third act of this movie is just as forgettable as the other half we’ve just seen. We do get a some dinosaurs at the very least but boy do they look stupid!

     The stop motion is jerky and cheesy as the acting(and that’s saying a lot) with an obvious green tint to it. Also the only dinosaurs we see in the entirety of the movie are a brontosaurus(that sounds like an elephant apparently), two triceratops that can get along without killing each other, and a pterodactyl that gets shot down three seconds after showing up on screen. That’s it! We don’t even get a damn T.Rex how can you call yourself a dinosaur movie and not have a T.Rex I mean they have one on the frickin poster(see top). Well through the chaos of trying to survive this hostile world “Annoying comic relief” gets mauled by a triceratops(a moment of silence please) but they do manage to find the rocket(and there was much rejoicing).
     So they salvage some computer thing from the rocket(I don’t know just go with it the movie is almost over) just as the mountain(which is also a volcano) begins to erupt because the plot says so and our heroes must escape which means they now need to climb down the mountain now(Noooo). As the island is devastated the characters rush down the several hundred foot mountain which took them 20 minutes of the film to climb and make it to the bottom in less than 4 and get on a canoe which allows them to escape a fiery end. Have you’ve noticed that when ever humans discover an ancient world it always gets destroyed at the end of the movie or gets nuked(King Dinosaur) in the end sheesh humans must be the black cats of the animal kingdom.

     So that was “The Lost Continent” what’s my verdict for this one? What do you think?!? This movie is awful simply awful it’s a painful trip of a film that really has no redeeming qualities to it. The effects are bad even for that time era, the acting is hammy as a ham sandwich, and that accursed rock climbing sequence is bad enough to zap the intelligence and sanity out of even the bravest of movie goers not even the witty commentary of the MST3K crew could make this movie any less horrible.

My rating for this movie

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