Thursday, May 29, 2014

Dark Discussions Podcast: Godzilla (2014)

     In this episode the gang and I take a look at the reboot of Godzilla which was released this year from director Gareth Edwards who debuted with his film Monsters which he made with a budget of 500,000 dollars. This new film stars Bryan Cranston, Ken Watanabe, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Sally Hawkins, and the King of the Monsters himself. Does this film redeem the franchise after the disaster in 1998 or does it stub its toe on a building and come crashing down.

The Link to the episode is here

Enjoy and be sure to visit us at the Dark Discussions' main page on Facebook and leave us a Like! Stay tuned for futures episodes and articles here on a Reeler Movie Reviewer!

Dark Discussions Podcast: It's Alive

    In this episode the crew and I as well as author M.J. Preston take a look a the cult classic horror film It's Alive which was released in 1974 from director Larry Cohen about a killer infant on a rampage.

Link to episode is here

Enjoy and be sure to visit us at the Dark Discussions' main page on Facebook and leave us a Like! Stay tuned for futures episodes and articles here on a Reeler Movie Reviewer!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared: The Series Kickstarter


    Hey everyone just wanted to put this little article up to inform you that there is an ongoing Kickstarter happening right now to raise money for Don't Hug Me I'm Scared: The Series which is based on a pair of disturbing yet hilarious web videos. I just found out now about it actually and they need your support to make this a reality. There are only 27 days remaining so pledge now!!!


This the link to the Kickstarter

  Don't worry about being from outside the country as they are able to take whatever currency from wherever you are! ;)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014



     I want you to take a very good look at the images above these words. Look very carefully at this THING! No this isn't someone's idea of a joke. This is an actual movie that was released. Where does one even begin?
     Today's subject is Foodfight!(This actually how the title is spelt) is a 2012 animated picture brought to us by Larry Kasanoff; a fellow had served as an executive director in a number of films among them being the third sequel to Ghoulies, Mortal Combat: Annihilation, and Beowulf from 1999. The Studio that squeezed this film from between its dirty cheeks was Threshold Entertainment whose filmography consists of some kid's films.
      The movie's production is a rather strange one. Apparently the idea was first thought up back in 1999 by Kasanoff and Joshua Wexler an employee of the studio and an investment was made for the project by the studio and some Korean investment company called Natural Image. By the end of it they had a sturdy budget of around 50 million dollars.
     The film was being put together at a digital effects shop in California but then in late 2002, it was reported that several hard drives containing uncompleted parts of the movie were stolen. Who would steal something like this? I have no idea but its safe to say they may have been either very bored or very drunk off their fucking asses. If that wasn't bad enough they had to change animation styles due to poor communication amongst the animators and went with computer graphics. 
      A number of failed distribution deals that kept the movie from being released for several years. In fact it wasn't until 2011 did the film at last get picked up and scheduled for a release. This was the start of darkness my dear audience.
       The film had a limited release in the United Kingdom and then was released on DVD on October. Then it was the U.S's turn as the film found its way onto store shelves on May 7,2013. In the end the movie cost 45 million dollars(other sources say more) to put together and only made back 73,706. I gotta say money well spent.....


       I'm not the first guy on the Internet to review this movie and I certainly will not be the last either. This a movie that has to be seen to be believed. How could a movie have had such a large budget, had been in the making for ten years, and still look like utter crap?
        This film hurt to watch. I actually writhed in seat throughout the entirety this 91 minute shitfest. It was so bad that I needed others to see this abomination so I had three of my friends jump on roller coaster of madness to see what they thought of it and their opnions of the films have become part of this article. For this review I will be referring to them as Technology Caveman, Duff, and Veggie Strings.
         So the first major consensus amongst us was that the animation is truly hideous beyond words. Characters possess no emotion with dull lifeless eyes that seem to stare right into your soul and their movements stiff and unnatural which can range from being hilarious to unsettling. There are a number of offenders in this department among them being the cat girl Sunshine Goodness(That freaky thing smiling at you above), the femme fatal Lady X, the comic relief Dare Devil Dan(a chocolate squirrel, and several "humans".
          What was also baffling to us is that this film has an all star cast. Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, and even Christopher Fucking Lloyd. I mean I know money can talk pretty loud but seriously people what the hell?!? 
           So you are probably wondering what the plot of this film is? Okay the here it goes: The movie takes place at a supermarket called "Marketropolis" which during the day looks like a typical store but when the lights go out and the store closes it transforms into a city. The citizens of this odd place are market icons or "Ikes"(Haha clever :P) which include Mr. Clean, Charlie The Tuna, Hawaiian Punchy, and the California Raisins. Before you get too excited these are not our main characters but just background characters who exist only to promote blatant product placement. I mean this shit isn't subtle in the slightest this is pure grade A cinematic prostitution!
          Instead of following these trademarked characters our story revolves around Dex Dogtective(Oh how fucking clever!) played by Charlie Sheen who dresses like Indiana Jones and has a knack for making some absolutely painful food puns. OH MY GOD THE FOOD PUNS!!! If you don't not like puns then you should definitely not watch this movie at all because they are everywhere! And that's really all there is to the character that and his love for Sunshine Goodness(So much diabetes in that name) who he plans to marry only for her to mysteriously vanish. Six months pass and a freaky SOB by the name of Mr.Clipboard(played by Lloyd) "walks" into the supermarket. Lloyd honestly seems like the only person that even gives a damn or he is just simply trying to make the most of this shit script.


     Mr. Clipboard is a representative for Brand X who tries to persuade the owner to allow them to stock some of the company's products. To show that he is obviously a villain he stomps on a bag of potato chips....oh the horror of it all.
      Dex who still haunted by his failure to solve the mystery of his girl's disappearance and has since retired from his duty as a investigator goes to his club where we see a performance done by the California Raisins. I took this opportunity to look at the background characters and notice that a number of the original Ikes look like caricatures of actual brand mascots most likely as a "Take That" at the companies that too much self-respect to hand over the rights to their mascots.
       During this scene we get introduced to Lady X who catches the eye of the other Ikes but she is in the mood for dog food. Ah shit now this movie has got me doing it now! This character is weird looking like a animated Barbie doll with the deadest looking eyes I have ever seen period! Hell a fish at the supermarket has got more life in its eyes than her.
        Veggie Strings had pointed out the number of Casablanca references in this flick and they are way too many here. I don't understand why Kasanoff thought that it would be a good idea and honestly I don't care, they are not funny or clever and simply come off as forced and lazy.
         Anyways Lady X tries to put the moves on Dex but a fight breaks out and after things have calmed down Dare Devil Dane; Dex's best friend played by Wayne Brady leaves with Lady X thinking his going be getting some action.
          Things get suspicious and rather creepy when Lady X shows up at Dex's office dressed like a school girl and tries to put the moves on him. Why do I get the feeling that Kasanoff had written this with one hand on the pen and the other in his paints. The gang especially Technology Caveman really wanted to skip that part of the discussion. Dex resists her "charms" and discovers to his horror that a number of Ikes were found dead apparently from some brawl and Dan is missing. Dex thinks something is very fishy decides to investigate. There isn't much of a mystery here as its so painfully obvious who the villain is.
      The Ikes that were bumped off soon get replaced by Ikes of the product Brand X and Dex starts to think that maybe the smug femme fatale that is always trying to seduce him just might be the mastermind behind this nefarious scheme. NO YOU THINK?!!?
       Lady X tries to sway the detective through some silly dance but while our protagonist is bland as shit he ain't that stupid and doesn't fall for it. Unfortunately for him Lady X decides to remove him from the equation by knocking on the head and locking him up in a dryer where he finds Dan. The squirrel reveals that the Ikes that were killed were actually the victims of strange poisonous robots that are under Lady X's control. The two escape from the machine by following a sock because apparently socks always escape from dryers....makes sense.
      The Brand X soldiers at this point have control of much of the store and the best ways to describe these weirdos is to imagine Nazis with a much more sillier march. Seeing how out of hand has become he and Dan visit  Doctor Si Nustrix; a big-nosed(literally) Jewish stereotype in hopes that he could identify the main ingredient of Brand X. Although the doctor is unsuccessful he is able to reveal that it is poisonous and addictive to humans and that the other brands have no way of competing against it. The only hope of stopping Brand X's hostile take over is to send this info to a mortgage corporation and have them recall the evil substance by using the owner's computer at the other end of the store.  
        With time of the essence Dex and Dan race towards the other end of the supermarket while avoiding one of Lady X's henchmen. Oh and if you thought the Ikes looked weird and creepy the take a look at this abomination!


      Jesus Christ on a pogo stick what were they thinking? Was this seriously meant to be a kid's film?! This shit would give them nightmares if not traumatize them for years! The animation is some of the worse I have seen and believe me I have seen plenty of other films with crap animation but few of them have reached this caliber. Not one of us was convinced that any of its budget went into its effects if this image was any indication.
     They elude their pursuer and inform another Ike of Brand X's treachery and tell him to bring the others to the club. They run into an obvious ripoff of Count Chocula named Vlad Chocool who keeps trying to woo Dan or something and reached the computer but are locked in by the Brand X Ikes. While going through the computer Dex finds out there have been only two recalls one being for Sunshine and the other for Ugly Prune. I can see the twist coming from a mile away.
        They send the recall but Brand X is one step away and pulls the plug on their plan. Dex knowing that it might be too late for Brand X to be pulled from the stores decides that they have to fight back and the three of them escape through a vent.
         The rest of the Ikes arrive at the club but so do the soldiers of Brand X and their lieutenant orders them to swear their allegiance to them. Dex arrives just in time and leads the others Ikes into a singing duel against the soldiers by playing the French National Anthem. I am dead serious folks. The guys and I could keep ourselves from cracking up not because it was funny but because of just how ludicrous the entire thing is and it only solidified Veggie Strings' point about the Casablanca references.

       So at long last both sides prepare for battle as we finally get to see the long awaited "Foodfight" and to be honest it has to be the most boring part of the movie. Most of the action consist of the characters throwing food from roof causing large explosions of fake look juices and slimes and Brand X soldiers getting knocked over. It felt this scene went on forever to at least long enough for me to get up go to the fridge and grab another beer. While this bullshit is going on the Ikes wrap aluminum foil on their buildings while one of them heads off to shut off the power. This really baffled me because when the power is cut it results in some kind of lighting storm that obliterate the Brand X buildings while the ones cover in aluminum remain standing. I would question this further but my brain cells are committing suicide just by me typing about this crap.
     Dex infiltrates the Brand X building and finds Sunshine who was being held captive and saves her from the lieutenant and they escape. Suddenly Mr.Clipboard appears in their realm and like a monster in a Japanese movie goes on a rampage. But his silly walk of death is brought to an end by Dex and several Ikes who send him crashing down like M.Night's career and speaking of Mr. Shyamalan....
      Mr.Clipboard turns out to be a robot and not only that was being piloted by Lady X! But that's not all Lady X reveals that she was Priscilla Pusly; the Ugly Prune who underwent surgery to change her image out of jealousy of Sunshine and even used her to make the elixir for Brand X!

      So Lady X proceeds to kick Dex's ass who wont even put his guard up because she is a woman. You know I get chivalry and all that but I strongly believe that if someone is threatening your well being then you should have the right to defend yourself regardless of what is between the legs of your enemy especially if said attacker was trying to commit fucking genocide! Because of this Sunshine has to step in and fight instead(at least they giving her something to do I suppose). This fight sequence further emphasizes how lazy the animator's are as Lady X's expression never changes even as she is repeatedly punched in the face by the blond bimbo. The fight ends with Sunshine punching Lady X so hard that she knock the ugly right out of her reverting her to her original form.
       Priscilla Pusly is sent to the expiration station to be recalled along with the rest of Brand X, a cure is found to bring back all the dead Ikes,  Dex and Sunshine finally have their wedding and the movie ends on a WTF note when it is revealed that Dex is Jewish. Why would they reveal something like that about our main character at the very last minute what's the point? Was it meant to be funny? I don't know and I don't care I'm just happy to be done with this piece of cinematic shit!
       Foodfight! is bad really, really fucking bad and is one of the most brutal things I have reviewed in recent memory. This thing has so much wrong with it: the hideous animation, the awful puns, the unsettling sexual innuendo, the insulting stereotypes and caricatures, the shameless product placement, the Nazi undertones along with a number of other unfortunate implications, and its shit plotline. This movie deserves a place in the deepest part of hell alongside Ali Baba and the Gold Raiders, Ax Em, Nukie, and Monster A-Go-Go. If you want to test you metal you can most likely find  this film on Youtube or other video sites or at the bottom of a dollar bin collecting dust.

     Oh man now that was a tough one! I'd like the chance to thank Technology Caveman, Duff, and Veggie Strings for their help with this film you guys are the best and I would also like to thank all of you for reading. Stay tuned for new articles and reviews as well as new episodes of the Dark Discussions Podcast. Until next time everyone!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Dark Discussions Podcast: Shutter

     In this episode we look at the 2004 Thai horror film by directors Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom titled Shutter in which a photographer is haunted by mysterious figures that appear in the pictures he has taken.

Link to episode

Enjoy and be sure to visit us at the Dark Discussions' main page on Facebook and leave us a Like! Stay tuned for futures episodes and articles here on a Reeler Movie Reviewer!

Dark Discussions Podcast: The Raid Films

     In this episode we take a look at the Gareth Evans Raid movies a duo of Indonesian Martial Arts films the most recent The Raid 2: Berandal which came out on March 28 of this year. I can guarantee that these films will deliver a solid kick in the teeth so load up this episode and lend us your ears.

Link to episode

Enjoy and be sure to visit us at the Dark Discussions' main page on Facebook and leave us a Like! Stay tuned for futures episodes and articles here on a Reeler Movie Reviewer!